The F Word

Holidays are hard. In general. Families gathering can be intense and it’s especially difficult in the throes of grief.

Assembling for an event makes those who are missing all the more evident. Sitting around a table feels haunted by the lack of a high chair.

My first should be experiencing their first Easter. In addition, I am mourning a second pregnancy loss.

You might show up to the family function and plaster a smile. Have a drink (because, yep, you’re no longer expecting). Go to the restroom to cry or just take a breath because the elephant in the room is sitting heavy on your chest.

There is nothing that will ever fill these voids. There is little that will provide comfort.

In the days following my first loss, I needed something physical to grip to after the only thing I ever wanted to hold was cruelly ripped away from me. 

First, I made an appointment to get something to cling to me: a tattoo (the one you see pictured). I wanted to immortalise this little life who like a bee only nestled briefly in one spot before flying away.

The heart-shaped pillow is something else I purchased quickly post-loss. It is a keepsake cushion where you may place mementos like sonograms, letters, pregnancy test(s) or that onesie you couldn’t help but buy soon after finding out you were with child.

I sleep with this pillow nightly.

I also wanted something I could carry with me. This necklace is never taken off. I fidget with it often and think of my angels.

Aside from making my own candles and creating labels that relayed relatable quotes, I ached for lightness while being consumed by shadow. This crystal suncatcher reflects rainbows in our kitchen and tugs at my heart when its rays shine through the room. 

In moments that can feel so dark and isolating, a few meaningful tokens have provided seconds of solace.

I know things might be weighing big right now, fellow Loss Parent. While our babies are not here to mark these milestones, we can honour them in any way(s) that feel right. 

I am wishing you moments of softness amid the hardship. May you be surrounded by thoughtful people who meet you where you’re at (if you choose to attend that social occasion or not). May they acknowledge how gut-wrenching these holiday moments are without the people who should be here.

With compassion, 

Kim

♡♡

Note: This post is not sponsored. I am simply sharing a few items that brought me comfort while grieving.

Disclaimer: This is my journey. I’m sharing so maybe even just one other human may feel less alone. Our losses matter. Grief is not a competition. Bullying, comparisons or trying to one up someone’s grief will not be tolerated.