The F Word

Only someone who has NOT faced infertility could fathom asking such an intrusive and triggering question.

“Do you have kids?”  What a loaded and offensive line of inquiry!

I was in the middle of the fertility screening process and trying to comprehend why conception just wasn’t happening when a colleague asked if I had kids at my welcome lunch during my first week starting at a company.

I politely went with the “Not yet” response route. It implies you’ve thought about procreating and doesn’t invite too many follow up questions.

Would I be asked this if I didn’t have a womb? Was it to gauge whether a woman of a perceived certain age starting a new role might soon need parental leave? 

I get it. They were likely trying to get to know me. Ask about my hobbies and interests; not the current state of my reproductive parts while I’m eating my plant-based burger!

Regardless of someone’s relation to you, whether professional or personal, uterus related questions are OFF LIMITS.

“Have you ever thought about freezing your eggs?” 

Unless, I’ve spoken to you about my ovulation, uhhh, mind your business!
Inside thought next time. 

“Maybe I could be your surrogate!”

However well-intentioned this one is, it does NOT land well. Insert courteous smile and proceed to switch topics. 

As if this journey didn’t carry enough second-guessing, overthinking, self-questioning, doubt and comparison! How this was received: “Well, your body can’t, BUT mine can” because getting knocked up was so quick and effortless for ‘em, right?

Then, if you miraculously become pregnant: “Is this your first?”

You might say yes to avoid awkwardness while your heart aches for the babies you’ve lost. 

I haven’t had the energy to say this yet but I think about responding with:
“No living children, two pregnancy losses though, thanks for asking. Oh, and an embryo on ice.”

💌

Dear Infertility Friend reading this, I’m sorry for all the insane sh*t people have said to you and all the times you grinned and bore it. You deserve better. We all do. 

For a few years now, I’ve relied on a trusted therapist who specializes in fertility psychology to work through the above wounds inflicted upon me. Writing these blog posts has also proven cathartic. Journaling has been helpful. Venting to my partner and inner circle too.

I hope you have a strong support system. And, I’m just a click away if you want to connect.

With compassion, 

Kim

♡♡ 

Disclaimer: This is my journey. I’m sharing so maybe even just one other human may feel less alone. Our losses matter. Grief is not a competition. Bullying, comparisons or trying to one up someone’s grief will not be tolerated.